Memo to women: Don't give up your day job
I've been reading with something like amusement -- and something like horror -- excerpts of Lori Gottlieb's new book.
"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" is a manifesto arguing that uppity, snarky women should get over their pickiness and get themselves hitched.
She describes this life plan as “taking the best available option and appreciating it.”
Others have ripped Ms. Gottlieb's basic premise, pointing out that educated, successful women are actually doing pretty well on the marriage front.
They're marrying later, but more of their marriages are lasting.
My recoil from this book comes because it surfaces at the same time that an epic number of women who "settled" are now doing the walk of shame.
Jenny Sanford, wife of the South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is out with a tell-all about her marital experiences. And boy did she ever SETTLE.
She writes that Gov. Sanford insisted on removing the "faithful" part from their wedding vows.
"In retrospect, I suppose I might have seen this as a sign that Mark wasn't fully committed to me, and with the benefit of the knowledge I have about Mark now, I could point to this moment as a clear sign of things to come."
Meanwhile, Gayle Haggard is making the rounds, talking about her preacher husband Ted's forays into gay prostitution and drug abuse.
She now says his adultery was the "answer to our prayers," which suggests that she's taken the art of rationalization to a new level.
Also slogging through the headlines is Elizabeth Edwards -- now separated from her husband -- who settled so hard for her cheating husband John that she nearly helped saddle the nation with him.
More? Who can erase the harrowing image of Silda Spitzer standing next to Eliot at that brutal press conference when he admitted visiting a prostitute?
And how about Hillary Rodham Clinton? The scoured look on her face when she realized the depths of her husband's deceptions.
The unifying theme behind all these women isn't just that they "settled."
It's that they all had strong, successful independent lives before grabbing their man's coattails.
The lesson here is that settling might be the right choice for some women, but at the end of the day...don't give up your day job.
posted by Brian Mann @ 2/05/2010 08:32:00 AM
7 Comments
7 Comments:
You are absolutely right, Brian. Certainly life and love are not perfect, but I strongly feel women need to remain independent even though married. Sometimes I wonder if I am too stridently feminist, but then I look at the women you mention and I know I am not.
My wife did give up her job when our first child was born. It took a little scrimping and some lifestyle adjustment, but based on how happy she is and how wonderfully both of our children have turned out, it was obviously the right decision for her.
Yeah, but you're a great guy, right? So she didn't have to settle!
-Brian, NCPR
Marriage is a big commitment, and not to be taken lightly. Unfortunately, there is a societal bias - due partially, I think, to homophobia - against unmarried people.
I strive to be the man my wife thinks I am.
I beg to differ on the use of the term "walk of shame" in the original post. A partner's unfaithfulness may conjure up many things; grief, anger, and destruction of self-esteem to name a few. Shame, however, is one feeling I'd like to see disassociated from the the aftermath of an affair- at least for the partner who was wronged. Let's leave the walk of shame to the partner who engaged in the affair.
Interesting posts, inspired by Brian's thoughts. One very important issue that drives women to "settle" and marry Mr. OK is the continuing disparity in pay between genders. While the ratio of women's pay to men's has improved & increased, women's is still more than 20% less which means less $ to survive, take care of the kids, invest, and retire on, including social security. Until this fundamental gap between the genders is eliminated, women will have "financial benefit" in their minds when looking for a man.
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